Truth stranger than fiction

"Cherish the feeling while it lasts, and let it goes on with time"

It is the most intriguing quote from him that I don't think I'll ever forget. If only it were that easy...

Was it easy for him?

I haven't got over him yet. I hate to admit it but yes, I haven't but I'm working on it and I think I'm doing a good job. In fact, this blog is the first step towards my goal...

I'm sick of lies, of perfection, of not-so-important worries....which cannot leave my mind alone. Before starting this new blog, I have never been truthful even to myself. I wrote only to satisfy others with the beauty of words, I wrote only to tell ridiculous lies of being perfectly OKAY despite of every awful things I've went through - which surprisingly, were found believable to some people. I wrote only to hide the truths, to conceal myself from the cruel real world; but i'm tired. I long to jump out and feel the air and let the others see me, just the way I am...

So I'm not gonna pretend as if I've found my way out of Sahara desert or the polaris to lead me home from a middle of nowhere. In fact, I'm still walking in what seems to be a never-ending-tunnel...I can't wait to be once again reunited with the forest, the river..the wind..where I can run freely under the ceiling of earth...

Day 72

I woke up, instinctively reached for my cell phone to check for the time and ... waiting for that call.

But it never came.

Right, you are not here. Sigh, so this will just be like all the other days, where i have to do the same routine as yesterday, the day before, and all 69 days before that. One of those days where i have make myself as busy as possible with endless activities. Uni,lunch with friends,drawing,basically anything except the one that i really want, spending time with you.

I stared at the bracelet you gave me for a while,then the playback of that silly joke of yours came up.

Me: "Today, i notice that Cindy and Thuy all got ring on their fingers. They said it's from their boyfriend."
You: " Oh yea?"
Me: "Yea, their boyfriend must have love them so much. Unlike someone, who had never gave me any ring."
You: "Really? I gave you one, and it's right there."
Me:"Where?"
You:" Right there, on your wrist."
Me: "What? You had never gave me any ring before!"
You: "I gave you one, but it's just that it's too big, so you had wear it on your wrist. I'll get the right size next time."

I smiled at that lousy-and-not-really-that-romantic conversation. You could always made me laugh easily, even when you're not here. It must be your talent.

Then I closed my eyes and thanked you for this precious little power source that would keep me going for another day without you.

Over the edge...

I cannot bear a sight of him. Not when he was in radius of 3 or even 2 meters around me; not when he was talking to somebody else; especially not when talking to him. What can I do??I'm clueless. I fought my way; really i did. I have thought of and acted on so many ways; the results however, always prove to be disappointing. Perhaps I didn't try hard enough, perhaps a part of me didn't even want it to end. It feels good. Those moments - when I foolishly believed things could go back to the way it was- though indescribably short, were extremely heartening. I curse myself for being so weak. I'm gonna try and keep on tryin'. I can't give up just yet. great life lies ahead of me. I must do something. I will love again- I believe so...I believe in my strength ...I believe in love.

Law of nature

It seems to me that everyone in this world has equal share of happiness and misery. Once the joy starts to overthrow the balance, nature will find a way to restore the equilibrium. Disappointment, regrets, hopelessness, etc. started to creep in...to complete its role in this important project of God's - us, humans.

Things are actually getting better these days if i were not this smart at ruining it on my own. I fought so hard to crawl back to the state of ignorance but then, not long after, I returned - back to the state of confusion, despair, terror. How could I struggle my way back to the lighted path I do not know; From where will I borrow the strength from, I am clueless; For now, letting destiny to take over seems to be the best option.

the same old story

It seems to be the most distressing truth to admit the fact that i haven't truly got over my first love, and another to actually confess that I didn't actually love my ex when I said I did. It is of the most complex feeling which I, myself can't seem to comprehend. A part of me is afraid that I will never, in the future, find another love so convincing as the first one. Even if I will, I won't have the courage to pursue it.

Often these sudden thoughts bring about a feeling of loneliness which, after all these years, has proven itself to be the strongest enemy of mine. I am envious to all those people in relationships - either good or bad- for none of them matches the dreadfulness of being alone. I crave for a company; yet another part of me told me to learn to live my life, learn to be independent, learn to protect myself. Having a person to depend on, though excruciatingly enjoyable, is disastrous when lost. One may struggle and find its way to independence or may give up and live in despair. The one that survives may know better than to repeat the same old story.


I think the first suits me better... ;) what about you?