Mr.Limb

LIVING separately only to be reunited with the knowledge of how much each means to the other....Nice one sis!!

Metaphores never fail to enthrall me... It sends chill to every fibres in my body...even to the places I don't know I have inside me. It's weird, how words can affect us. However, there are certain things that we just can't express in words. I don't know, perhaps it's just me.

Anyhow, I went to his birthday today. I did well. I did not backslide. I did not do or say anything I might regret in the future. Finally, it's over. I am free.

How? Believe it or not, I'm as clueless as you are. I just know it's over. It's not that I don't love him anymore...I still do...but it's different.

"Terrifed to forget, forbidden to remember" That's how it WAS...
What's left between us can never be erased. Somehow I'm relieved. I've just realized that ...I want the leftovers - but nothing more. I wanted him to remember me because he was the one who taught me how to love...When love seemed impossible for someone like me. He is, so far, the only proof of my humanity. Before I met him, I was an outcast. I was a person without love - I was a nobody.

When this chapter of my life threatened to erase itself, I felt uneasy, I tried to imprison it, holding it captive; but the more I clutched at it, the harder it strived to escape.

I haven't forgotten him..be it. I was pathetic..be it. Regret? Not really..

"Cherish the feeling while it lasts, and let it goes on with time..."I finally understand. I cannot predict what will happen next but currently, I can ask for nothing more. I will live my life n be alright...I will hang on to life until I meet my "other hand" - Just like Winny and Jeff, Edward and Bella, Romeo and Juliet, n yada yada yada...- where are you, Mr. Limb?

289 Days Left

*Hit!*
"Did you eat your breakfast today!?"

She hit my thigh again, what does this old hag want from me? Seriously! I knew that I usually slack off, but i have actually practiced this time.

" No...It was too early and I ..."

" You're so fat and yet you don't even have the energy to play louder? And also, I told you countless of time already. The most important rule when you are learning a new song is to train each hand over and over again, until you can play them individually perfectly. And THEN, you can combine both parts together to create a symphony. Not this broken piece of so-called music you played just now."

" OK..." Monster. Red-fingernails Medusa.

"Now repeat that part again, with your right hand."

Yes, that is Adeline, my piano teacher. And no, she's not my favorite teacher. She's in her mid thirties and is reaching her menopause. She's so gonna get it soon. She's an expert in music and torturing people. But that's not the point.

Some random thought came up to me this morning, at 4AM when i tossed and turned on my shabby queen-sized bed. Again, you clogged up my mind, greedily occupying every inch of space there. You, smiling cheekily. The possibility that we won't see each other for another 289 days. The space that I always kept for you , next to me, on this humongous bed. You, kissed away my tears saying everything is okay. This pain, of having to stay away from you. Torn, between two continents.

I miss you.

That will be an understatement, but i can't find better words. And so that piano lesson reminded me of us.

You gave me a new life. A new symphony. I am the left hand, and you are the right hand. To achieve the perfect symphony, we have to train each part separately. And so before that day when we could finally be together, I will learn to be a better person, a girl who's worthy of you.

Truth stranger than fiction

"Cherish the feeling while it lasts, and let it goes on with time"

It is the most intriguing quote from him that I don't think I'll ever forget. If only it were that easy...

Was it easy for him?

I haven't got over him yet. I hate to admit it but yes, I haven't but I'm working on it and I think I'm doing a good job. In fact, this blog is the first step towards my goal...

I'm sick of lies, of perfection, of not-so-important worries....which cannot leave my mind alone. Before starting this new blog, I have never been truthful even to myself. I wrote only to satisfy others with the beauty of words, I wrote only to tell ridiculous lies of being perfectly OKAY despite of every awful things I've went through - which surprisingly, were found believable to some people. I wrote only to hide the truths, to conceal myself from the cruel real world; but i'm tired. I long to jump out and feel the air and let the others see me, just the way I am...

So I'm not gonna pretend as if I've found my way out of Sahara desert or the polaris to lead me home from a middle of nowhere. In fact, I'm still walking in what seems to be a never-ending-tunnel...I can't wait to be once again reunited with the forest, the river..the wind..where I can run freely under the ceiling of earth...

Day 72

I woke up, instinctively reached for my cell phone to check for the time and ... waiting for that call.

But it never came.

Right, you are not here. Sigh, so this will just be like all the other days, where i have to do the same routine as yesterday, the day before, and all 69 days before that. One of those days where i have make myself as busy as possible with endless activities. Uni,lunch with friends,drawing,basically anything except the one that i really want, spending time with you.

I stared at the bracelet you gave me for a while,then the playback of that silly joke of yours came up.

Me: "Today, i notice that Cindy and Thuy all got ring on their fingers. They said it's from their boyfriend."
You: " Oh yea?"
Me: "Yea, their boyfriend must have love them so much. Unlike someone, who had never gave me any ring."
You: "Really? I gave you one, and it's right there."
Me:"Where?"
You:" Right there, on your wrist."
Me: "What? You had never gave me any ring before!"
You: "I gave you one, but it's just that it's too big, so you had wear it on your wrist. I'll get the right size next time."

I smiled at that lousy-and-not-really-that-romantic conversation. You could always made me laugh easily, even when you're not here. It must be your talent.

Then I closed my eyes and thanked you for this precious little power source that would keep me going for another day without you.

Over the edge...

I cannot bear a sight of him. Not when he was in radius of 3 or even 2 meters around me; not when he was talking to somebody else; especially not when talking to him. What can I do??I'm clueless. I fought my way; really i did. I have thought of and acted on so many ways; the results however, always prove to be disappointing. Perhaps I didn't try hard enough, perhaps a part of me didn't even want it to end. It feels good. Those moments - when I foolishly believed things could go back to the way it was- though indescribably short, were extremely heartening. I curse myself for being so weak. I'm gonna try and keep on tryin'. I can't give up just yet. great life lies ahead of me. I must do something. I will love again- I believe so...I believe in my strength ...I believe in love.

Law of nature

It seems to me that everyone in this world has equal share of happiness and misery. Once the joy starts to overthrow the balance, nature will find a way to restore the equilibrium. Disappointment, regrets, hopelessness, etc. started to creep in...to complete its role in this important project of God's - us, humans.

Things are actually getting better these days if i were not this smart at ruining it on my own. I fought so hard to crawl back to the state of ignorance but then, not long after, I returned - back to the state of confusion, despair, terror. How could I struggle my way back to the lighted path I do not know; From where will I borrow the strength from, I am clueless; For now, letting destiny to take over seems to be the best option.

the same old story

It seems to be the most distressing truth to admit the fact that i haven't truly got over my first love, and another to actually confess that I didn't actually love my ex when I said I did. It is of the most complex feeling which I, myself can't seem to comprehend. A part of me is afraid that I will never, in the future, find another love so convincing as the first one. Even if I will, I won't have the courage to pursue it.

Often these sudden thoughts bring about a feeling of loneliness which, after all these years, has proven itself to be the strongest enemy of mine. I am envious to all those people in relationships - either good or bad- for none of them matches the dreadfulness of being alone. I crave for a company; yet another part of me told me to learn to live my life, learn to be independent, learn to protect myself. Having a person to depend on, though excruciatingly enjoyable, is disastrous when lost. One may struggle and find its way to independence or may give up and live in despair. The one that survives may know better than to repeat the same old story.


I think the first suits me better... ;) what about you?

F-u-c-K

Well, It never really is my nature to say harsh words or lying. Yes, ESPECIALLY lying.

I went to Start city tonight (In fact, I've just come back) with my sis, my mum n my dad. Before I go any deeper into the story, you must know that 1)I'm Underage (you should be at least 18 years old to enter casino); 2) I've got straight a for my AS level (a prestigious examination from Cambridge University). Now, where were we??O yeah, so, we walked to the gate which, according to my parents, is the easiest one. We bumped into the bodyguards. They were friendly - no doubt; but all the muscles and height made me nervous. So this guy smiled at me and asked for my ID. After pretending to check my bag, I told him that I didn't bring any. Confused, he asked for his friend. His friend, do a lil' psychological test which sounds silly but proved to be useful forpeople like me.

"So, how old are you?"

"18," I replied

"And, When is your birthday?"

"12 April," I answered, Already a bit nervous

"Which year?"

"1989," My heart pumped wildly, fighting its way out of its cage

"What took you so long to answer me?"

"My tongue keeps on twisting...coz u see, I come from Indo"

"Well, but the date you gave me said that you're 19, you said you werYee 18...I'm sorry you can't enter"

F-U-C-K...I didn't realised it! I was so embarrassed! How could I counted wrongly!Stupid!Pig-Head...My sis realized it though...She kinda hoped that the bodyguard wouldn't be so smart. We went to another gate. It turned out to be the same. I took so long to reply and I was stuttering badly...hah..I don't wanna rewrite the whole thing. It's simply, humiliating....

The breakup

It had been a month, since the night he broke up with me. I thought I would never be able to forget how it was. A feeling, I believe, that most of you would have known. It was the feeling of being unwanted - rejected. I had never had this experience before - which made it worse but I was impressed, by how I had healed, by how I had mend the broken pieces of me, by how I had done it alone - YES, ALONE.

I had friends...but it seems like, I wasn't as close to them as before. I guessed i had not paid as much attention to them while I was in a relationship with someone whose name I still had difficulty in writing, or hearing, or pronouncing. That was why it wouldn't be wise or fair to ask them to go through this with me; which was why I saved them from all of the whimpering, whining and complains.
Well, it didn't turn out as good as what I've expected but at least, I was the only one who suffered.

My family wasn't that supportive. In fact, they made it worse. They kept on asking the reasons for his absence. I couldn't really blame them though...They didn't know a thing. I wasn't a good liar but I could lie when it was necessary. The truth was, when I was with him, I lied all the time...To those people who were dearest to me - my parents.

I wasn't allowed to be in any relationship. My family was conservative as any other traditional or u could say, old-fashioned Chinese. I used to hate it. I hate how much It had affected my relationship with my ex. I couldn't go to his home, or went out with him everyday like his brothers' girlfriends did. Well, It bothered him and I used to feel guilty. Even after the breakup, I thought I was the one who was guilty but then, I started to think, my grey cells started to work. We were in a relationship for only 2 MONTHS!!And dear god, I was in the same school as he was!!His reasonings turned out to be unreasonable - completely ridiculous. It hurt me when he told me why he broke up with me. He could just say "I ran out of love" Or "I just don't love you no more". It told someone that It was time to move on. THAT would be enough but he didn't. He sticked to his excuses which I guessed, had been carefully phrased. Luckily, I didn't remember me begging him to come back to my life...to pretend that he loved me. NO...I did NOT do such things. As soon as he broke up with me, He had crushed my prestidge, my pride to a great extent...It took me a long time to realize that I was DUMPED..- Fiuh..now...It wasn't that hard...What a relief...

I promised myself not to live in the past...I would move on...Why would I wait for someone who left me behind? That was a simple logic... I had wasted enough time for him and I planned to waste no more. SO....Guys! n Girls! It might seem impossible but stand up!!U can do it!