i've paid enough

Too many times I've thought about breaking up but that remained a plan.
Too many giving-ups but I still prepared a custom-made t-shirt for your birthday
Too many tears when u left me alone but here I am, waiting for you to turn back
You're still in my world but I left urs already. God if this is a payback, I've paid enough.

You can't always get what you want

I found it most curious how man falls in and out of love all their life. Where do they acquire this energy from? They fall in love, they're happy for one minute and crying in the next. They break up, n they fall in love again... sometimes, or most of the time (in my case) with the same type of person. This is, frustatingly, a never-ending-cycle! and it is extremely tiring but still we can't keep ourselves from hoping that someday we might find 'the one'.

It's brain-knocking, to find out how our heart, illiterally speaking, is capable of withstanding blows and recollecting the pieces afterwards. Sometimes it hurts so much you feel like "unplugging" everything but then again, like rolling stones once said, "you can't always get what you want"

Dark Side of My Happiness

Thanks, "Mystery", I've managed to secure "him", my prison, my maize, my trap, my swindler, my con artist, and my poet as my man.

Unfortunately, all of these does not come at the price of nothing. Despite all of the efforts and ups and downs, at the highest point of our ambiguous relationship, he managed to dealt me a fatal blow that frustate me to the point of losing all my rationality.

That, combined with my parents continuous effort to matchmake me, and also some of my harassing admirers (I'm serious, they made me wish that I never have a cellphone) has made me so absurd as to ask Mr. Limb to take me back.

That has marked the beginning of my isolation period. Just like the way it was, I cut all ties with my friends, my cousins, and even with my parents (although unintentionally). I become totally his. The undoubted presence and devotion of Mr.Limb suddenly seems to be worth the pain of being a total outcast from my society. I thought everything went well, for at least I found myself at peace whenever I'm in my room, being alone.

However, all of that does not stay for long.

It only took me two days after meeting 'him' to get back to the state I was. And then it happened, the scene I desire the most since the first time I met him. It happened at the most unexpected time, in the most unimaginable way. Spontaneously. Randomly. Explosively. And to makes it worse, it feels so Right. So right, as if, I've been dating all these while, just to know figure out that I want to be with someone like him. A Serendipity.

And so, Mr. Limb became the victim of my new-found happiness. Mr. Limb's last efforts to cling on to me, his deeply saddened expression, each and every drops of his tears, his wailings, was replayed in my mind, haunting me right at that moment when I'm lying on my bed, getting ready to sleep.

I feel inhuman.

But I guess, this is the best thing I could do for him. For I know I can't give him happiness. If these scenes shall haunt me forever, then let it be. For being mean is the last thing I could do for him. I sincerely wish him a good life, and a good partner that will treasure him. I hope that he will get his share of good karma soon.


As karma work both ways, I know I will get my share at one point in my life. And if, it ever comes in the form of betrayal by 'him', then I shall blame no one. For all of this is the price I'm willing to pay to be with him.

"Do you not like me?"

hmm..what is it that women wanted so bad from men and men, for some twisted reasons, denied? Haha..we all know the answer. The three magic words. Well but I have, since long ago, give them up. He gave me all sorts of reasons that somehow hypnotized, convinced me into believing that those three words are unnecessary.

I'm trying to accept this twisted logic - the process, however, is such a pain in the ass. Never mind. So now i find that i have a problem in this relationship and I am trying to fix it. Of course I have to, I have no choice. With the kind of parents I have, I'll always lose in all of the arguments we have.

Anyways, so i asked him today, playfully, whether he liked me. Nothing serious but it took him so long to answer. In the end, he didn't even say yes. My little heart fluttered for a moment in time. Haha.. but I think I am getting used to this which is..errrr.. a bad thing? I don't know. No big deal... they say crying releases your stress.

Sometime I just wonder... why do i fight so hard in this relationship when I'm in this continuous doubt of him liking me.

Just so you know, all the male bloggers out there, we women have to be constantly reminded that we are loved. =)

"Goodbye"

Truth is, if i somehow sense that he is no longer mine and if i can handle a broken heart, won't it be superb to just let him go?Is he trying to force me into breaking up with him?whichever path i'll choose to take, i just wish it won't repeat the history.

Sometimes i curse the fact that saying goodbye, is often the best way to find out how important one is, to you.

Start of an End

I found it hard nowadays, to simply write down whatever that's in my mind. It's so hard, is it not? To write based on what is really there in your heart. I dont' know about you but sometimes I really feel like writing a diary but when i grab a pen or when i sit in front of my keyboard, i usually go blank.

Anyways, it's been tough these days. My best friend leaving, me doubting the major i chose, boyfriend drifting farther and farther away. Not to mention my sister being robbed. We lost count of how much was actually lost but what can be done? At least we still eat 3 times a day, sleep in a comfortable bed with my ever-so-warm blanket

Tough times, low point but i believe everyone has their own problem. Different problem but causes the same magnitude of stress - the term so commonly referred to in today's society.

People say hello to say goodbye, a baby was born and died, love fades, friendship ends, things come and go. I just found it hard to admit that everything has to come to an end and we all live under HIS mercy.

Story about Him.

Someone please tell me what should I do.

I've been deeply attracted to him since the first time we met two years ago.

He's a prison. For he captivated me everytime we meet. No matter how many times I thought I've gotten over him.

He's a maize. For I never know what's going on behind his smile.

He's a trap. For he always trick me with his gentleness and leave me heartbroken afterward.

He's a swindler. For when he says he wants to take things slow, he will just hold my hand and woo me.

He's a con artist. For behind all his kindness and caring personality, lies the ultimate manoeuvres to steal away my heart.

He's a poet. For his words are shady and ambiguous, luring you to explore its every possible meanings.

So.. What should I do?